


Forgiveness

by Lexilindale35



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 13:12:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8163157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: I can tell they don’t want to step on Lorcan’s toes, because for some reason they seem to think I belong to him.
But they don’t understand. I’ve always belonged to someone else. First my uncle, then to Morath. Now, now I belong to no one but myself. I am Lady Elide Lochan. I am my own master, no male human or fae, can take that away from me. Not now, not since I’ve finally found my freedom.
And my court.
"Please," my voice breaks, "I just want to help."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I love these two so much I decided to try a short story of them.
> 
> I have another one coming... a little more smut instead of fluff...

Two weeks is a long time to be without our queen. I can see the time taking its toll on Rowan, I can see how much he misses his heart, his wife. His fireheart. It hurts me to know he's missing her. Kills me to know I didn't do anything to save her. That I can't do anything to help in this mission either.

It hurts even more because I'm the reason she's gone. She wouldn't let them take me, so she sacrificed herself. She went with Maeve willingly so I wouldn't be punished, whipped and chained, the way she had once been. The way she was probably being treated right now.

I close my eyes trying to forget that day. It's a rare night that I don't wake up without the nightmares. They're always there, ready and willing. The nightmares that shift between me losing Aelin or worse. Losing myself. 

And it's always Lorcan who holds the knife.

My heart is heavy. Whatever I thought we had started, whatever we thought was changing between us, was done. At least I tried to convince myself it was. How could I possibly feel something for a man who called for the enemy? A man who claims it was to save me, and yet stood in front of our court and promised he did it all for Maeve.

Aelin called them over protect fae males. But I didn't believe it. Because Lorcan wasn't my mate, I am human. He might feel something for me, but that doesn't give him the right to use me against my queen. He doesn't get to tell everyone he called his queen to save me. Because let's be honest, we all know Maeve wouldn't have given a shit if I lived or died by the ilken's hands.

She probably would've loved watching Lorcan fall to his knees as they slaughtered me. I shivered as I sat on my log, my mind and endless reel of regret and sorrow. I try not to look at Rowan, knowing he's trying not to worry about his mate. He barely changes into his fae form, preferring to be a hawk.

If we could just find her. Then maybe we would all feel complete again. Our court would be whole once more.

The fire crackles as I sit there staring at it. My eyes water, I refuse to blink as I watch the flames change colors. Another pain hits my heart, without Aelin we have to keep watch over the embers. We have to keep the fire burning the old fashioned way. 

I blink away tears as I bit my lip. I can feel him watching. He's always watching. As if I'll forgive him for everything just because he says he cares. I bit my lip harder, looking at the three males who now make up the broken court. Lysandra is pretending to be the queen, Aedion watching over her.

Now I'm stuck with three territorial fae males who are desperate to save our queen. One her mate. One her uncle. And the last one, he’s the reason she has been taken in the first place. The reason I can't even look at my own reflection without feeling guilty and angry all at once.

"Elide," my head picks up as Rowan calls my name, "you okay?"

I nod slowly, looking from Rowan to Gavriel. They both look so concerned, as if I'm fragile enough to break just from this quiet moment. I want to tell them I'm stronger than I look. That I know I can help them find our queen. That I can help them track her down and put an end to all of this.

But words mean nothing to these men. They know I'm human. They see my limp, getting worse by the day. I hold them back, I slow them down. Lorcan tries to brace my ankle, but sometimes my pride doesn't let him. I need something to do, to stop concentrating on the bad and try to find some good in this journey.

After a moment of silence, the males are still staring, waiting for an answer. I smile slightly as I get an idea, "can you train me? I want to help, I need to help. Train me to fight, to hold my own."

Rowan's lips go tight as he looks at the blonde haired fae. Lorcan kept staring at me as I waited for their answer. Both men looked at the dark haired male, waiting for him to say something. My heart beats steadily as I wait for someone to say something. I can tell they don’t want to step on Lorcan’s toes, because for some reason they seem to think I belong to him.

But they don’t understand. I’ve always belonged to someone else. First my uncle, then to Morath. Now, now I belong to no one but myself. I am Lady Elide Lochan. I am my own master, no male human or fae, can take that away from me. Not now, not since I’ve finally found my freedom.

And my court.

"Please," my voice breaks, "I just want to help."

Rowan clicks his tongue, "okay. I'll do it. I need a distraction," he sighs as the sky darkens, "we will start in the morning. Go to sleep now."

I walk over to my tent, listening as the three men start fighting. They keep their voices low, but I know they're fighting over me. I don't strain to hear their words, but I know Lorcan isn't happy that Rowan agreed to train me. Which makes me smile as I settle into my mat.

"I could train her," his deep voice is outside my tent. He sounds angry and hurt all in one, "I trained your sorry ass Whitethrone."

Rowan growls, "well she doesn't seem to want anything to do with you Lorcan. And I don't blame her. So just. Leave her be."

"I can't," his voice breaks, "I can't leave her be. I can't stop caring about her. She got under my skin Rowan. I can't get her out."

Rowan laughs, my heart straining at Lorcan's words. I close my eyes and turn away from the tent flap. I don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to know how hurt Lorcan is. He doesn't deserve to hurt at all, not over what we could've been. Because he chose Maeve. Even after she severed the bond. He crawled towards her. He broke my heart in that single moment.

And I wasn't sure there was anything he could do to put it back together again. 

\---

"Again. You're too slow," Rowan kept his voice level. I could tell he was comparing me to her, the last person he had trained. I didn't have her fire, but I had her stubborn will. Maybe all the women of Terresan are blessed with wicked and fiery temperaments.

I thrust forward with my makeshift sword. Rowan watches as I wobble on my ankle, his eyes narrow as I feel the exhaustion deep in my bones. I am not used to this kind of activity. I never trained for anything in my life. We had been going at it for over two hours now. I am covered in sweat and barely able to draw in a full breath.

Lorcan stands just outside of our circle, watching. Always watching. 

"Again." Rowan barks.

I shake my head barely able to speak clearly, "I can't. My ankle."

He raises an eyebrow, "you've never let your handicap stop you before. Why start now?"

Anger courses through my veins. If I had Aelin's fire I would've spit it at him. I narrow my eyes and throw down the stick he had handed me hours ago, "how about I'm rutting tired and need a break?"

My legs shake as I stare Rowan down, begging him to question me. I watch his eyes glance towards Lorcan, a smirk on his lips. He shakes his head, turning his attention back to me, "again."

I open my mouth to tell him to go to hell, but the words don't come out. Instead darkness sweeps in and my legs give out. I would've hit the ground hard if two strong arms didn't catch me. His scent fills my lungs as he cradles me against his chest. Without thinking I wrap my arms around his neck, feeling safe once more.

"Enough Rowan," he snarls at him, "she's had enough."

"I don't need you," I tried to fight against the pain and exhaustion in my body, "to save me anymore."

He laughs, it vibrates against my temple, "you've never needed me to save you, love. But I promised you I would always find you."

I open my eyes to find him staring at me, "you broke that promise the moment you betrayed my queen."

Lorcan holds me closer and I realize we are walking towards my tent, "and I will do everything I have to do to get her back. Even if it means sacrificing my last breath."

I shake my head, "I can't forgive you Lorcan. Not. Not yet."

"I know," he whispers softly, "and I understand. But that doesn't mean I don't still care for you. That doesn't mean I don't wish to see Perranth with you one day."

My heart stutters as he mentions my long ago offer. I shake my head. My eyes find his, "that offer is off the table."

Tears fill his eyes as he lays me down on my mat, "maybe one day... you'll reconsider."

I turn away from him, "maybe one day you'll realize how horribly you screwed everything up."

I feel his hand on my hair as my tiny body gives up the fight against sleep, "trust me love. I already know how badly I screwed up."

\---

The sun is still high in the sky when I wake up again. My muscles are sore, my ankle screams in pain. I let out a slow breath as I sit up, only to find Lorcan sitting by the door. He is staring out into the woods, his knees pulled up to his chest. He looks so big in my tiny tent.

"How long have you been sitting there?" I ask quietly. 

He turns, startled to find me awake. "Since you fell asleep. I wanted Rowan to leave you alone. And I," he sighs, "I had nowhere else to go."

Something in this admission breaks the angry hold on my heart. I stand up slowly, his magic bracing my ankle. I don't thank him, not for anything he had done for me today. No I just walk towards him, his eyes wide as he watches me. I kneel down to him, my tiny hands find their way to his cheeks.

"Lorcan."

He sighs into my touch, "I know you hate me. I know I crushed your trust and your heart. I had no choice. I wanted to keep you safe," a tear slips down his cheek, "because I love you Elide. I love how you're unimpressed with me, that you speak to me as an equal and not a fae bastard. But when I was still under her oath, I didn't see this happening. I'm sorry," he whispers as I keep hold of his gaze, "I am so, so sorry."

I nod slowly, and then surprising both of us, I leaned in and kiss him. I press my lips to his, feeling his arms wrap around my waist, pulling me onto his lap. I take in a breath, drinking him in. My poor little heart, as shattered as it is, slowly threads itself back together again. 

"I will admit that I cannot forgive you for everything, I whisper softly as I pull away and he lays his forehead against mine, "but I can promise I will try. Because I love you too Lorcan."

His smile is beautiful, a smile rarely seen. I lean into his touch as he holds me tightly against him. Maybe we are both still broken and trying to find our way through this mess. Our queen is still missing, Rowan still searching for his mate.

But none of that matters in this moment. Because in this moment with Lorcan's arms around me, I can feel myself finally start to heal. 


End file.
